To Action

 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers – Column for the week of February 3, 2003

I need some advice, please! I’ve been married to the same man for 11 years. He’s a nice person when he’s not drinking. However that isn’t very often.

He drinks on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s four beers, sometimes it’s 12 or more. He drinks alone and then gets verbally abusive. He tells me I could never make it without him. I would have to live in a cardboard box. He calls me names, then tells me he loves me and will never let me leave.

He had a terrible childhood. He was adopted and his dad left his mom for another woman. He hasn’t gotten over his anger, but he won’t seek any type of help. He denies there is a problem. My husband saves most of the good stuff for me, but he’s verbally abusive to our two children as well.

I’ve been to Al-Anon and talked to counselors. I tried to draw him back into the family, but he keeps pushing us away. I feel it’s best to separate from him. Maybe the realization will make him take control. It’s sad when your children wake up in the morning and ask, “Is Dad in a better mood, or do we need to be careful?”

Esme

Esme, your kids are living in a crazy, unpredictable environment. Walking on eggshells is affecting their development, and it will damage their future.

Their emotions are cycling between fear, bewilderment, anger and embarrassment. Children raised in this environment often become people pleasers who judge themselves harshly and have a hard time following through on projects. They likely will have difficulty disclosing their feelings to others, and they likely will live with a constant feeling of dread.

You have no power to change your husband’s behavior. Only he can change it, and if he ever changes, he will do it for his own sake. Until he is tired of being controlled by anger and alcohol, he will not change.

At present he can be abusive and drunk and still maintain his home and family. He has no incentive to change. There are no consequences for continuing as he is, and there is no reason to assume a separation will make him take control. If he changes, it may be long after you leave.

Your highest duty is to your children. They have done nothing to deserve living in this kind of home. Your next duty is to yourself. You can’t live a normal life with this man. There is one more duty. That is the duty your husband owes to himself not to waste his chance at life. But that is a duty only he can fulfill.

Proceed with your decision to leave, and take steps to ensure your safety and that of your children.

Wayne

Sexual Histories

I’ve been dating a lady for about a week. We really click. A few days ago we were talking about personal problems, and she told me she had herpes.

I am in my 30s and have never met anyone with herpes. I was married for two years, but before I was married I was a virgin and very naïve about sexual things. I don’t know if I should avoid sexual contact with her or just walk away.

Manny

Manny, you have a serious decision to make. Unless and until you see this lady as a life partner, avoid sexual contact. Otherwise, if things don’t work out, her situation could become your own.

We suggest sitting down with a physician or other health professional to discuss exactly what this can mean for your future. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Simply explain to them what you explained to us.

The reason to go to a medical source first is you will not only get an authoritative answer, but you will have laid the groundwork for future treatment if you decide to proceed.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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Procrastination is a complicated behavior that affects all people
to some degree. Some experience only small problems with
procrastination while with others, it is a major source of anxiety
and stress. Lack of motivation and procrastination is related to
time management. Procrastinators often fail to complete tasks
even though they know what the task is and the time they
have to do it.

Why do people procrastinate? Often a difficult task is avoided in
favor of the less difficult. Tasks that take longer amounts of time
are less desirable than those that can be completed quickly.
People sometimes procrastinate due to fear of failure. No one
wants to be embarrassed by a lack of knowledge or skills when
beginning a new task. Overcoming the fear of failure and
developing good work habits will do wonders for those who tend to
procrastinate.

The first step in overcoming procrastination is to recognize what
psychological issues cause you to procrastinate in the first place.
Self-defeating issues such as anxiety, fear, poor time management
skills, indecisiveness, difficulty concentrating, and perfectionism
can be major contributors to a lack of motivation. It’s important
to clarify your goals and then work to achieve them.

If you do not know how to manage your time efficiently, there are
classes and literature available to help you learn. In order to
change, you first have to accept and forgive yourself for your
shortcomings. Do not expect to change overnight, expect to
backslide on occasion and forgive yourself when this happens.
Give yourself adequate credit for tasks you do accomplish in a
timely manner.

If you have a friend or coworker who seems to be highly organized
and efficient, ask for suggestions as to how you can do the same.
Reward yourself for small steps taken towards your goals and be
realistic in your expectations. As with any type of behavioral
change, overcoming procrastination will not happen instantly.
Change your work or study habits to minimize distractions and
promote wise management of your time.

Be disciplined in your approach by setting a realistic goal and
sticking to it. Setting priorities is critical in learning to manage
your time in the most efficient manner. Do not dwell on setbacks
or mistakes. Focus instead on success and soon enough you will
stop dwelling on failure and instead come to expect the best from
yourself.

Motivation is the key to achieving success at work and at home.
Motivation comes from within. Coming to grips with personal issues
is the first step in realizing why you procrastinate and then taking
steps to change. If you focus on self-discipline and proper time
management, you will be able to change those habits that led you
to be a procrastinator in the first place.

You can get motivated and stay motivated by implementing a few
changes and observing a few personal rules. Observing and copying
those who seem to always be a step ahead is also an excellent tool
in overcoming procrastination.

Realizing that procrastination is a self-imposed condition is an
important step in changing those bad habits into a lifelong formula
for success. Make your plan, follow it carefully, and forgive yourself
for imperfections. You will soon transform yourself from a chronic
procrastinator into a highly motivated, disciplined individual.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’m the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do.

This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you remember the behaviors your partners used to get you to do things their way? Dr. William Glasser, in his book called, Getting Together and Staying Together, talks about the seven destructive relationship habits. They are: complaining, criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing or rewarding to control. Do you recognize any favorites?

I like to add guilting to the list—this seems to be a favorite behavior of mothers. I know, because I am one. You can recognize this pattern in martyr type behavior. Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me?” I’ve actually heard some mothers play the “childbirth card”. You know the one. It sounds like this: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours! All I’m asking for is this one thing.”

I know for me, I am a world class nagger—just ask my children. The question of “Will you clean up your room today?” can be asked in a variety of different ways, with varying tonal inflections and volumes to convey a variety of meanings. By the time I’ve reached the end of my rope, it would frequently sound like, “How can you be so lazy! If you don’t do it right now, I am going to do something to hurt you!” (This pain usually took the form of haranguing my child for an extended period of time.) Does this sound familiar?

With regard to nagging, it is my belief that after you’ve said it three times, your significant other has probably heard you and is not planning on obliging you any time in the near future. Repeating your request most likely will be unsuccessful at getting you what you want.

Complaining and criticizing are other behaviors we often engage in to get our loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. Does this sound familiar? Why can’t you be more like _____________? Do you have to do it THAT way? Why can’t you ever do something I want? You never do things the right way. You are so lazy, stupid, frustrating, aggravating, etc. Do these sound like relationship strengthening behaviors to you?

I think the blaming, threatening and punishing behaviors are self-explanatory. Blaming sounds like: It’s always your fault. Threatening goes like this: If you do or don’t do ______________, then I’m going to (insert something you won’t like). Punishing often takes the form of withdrawal. It may be that we give our partners the silent treatment or we may withdraw affection or at least our enthusiasm during intimacy.

The last destructive habit to discuss is called bribing or rewarding to control. This may require a little more discussion. Bribing or rewarding to control does not mean the same thing as negotiation. Negotiation in a relationship is very healthy and necessary to the long term success of the relationship. It involves two willing partners, each interested in helping the other person get what they need, while at the same time meeting their own needs. Bribing simply means that I am going to dangle a carrot of what I think you want in front of you to get you to do the thing I know you don’t want to do.

I can remember often asking my youngest son to pick up his room. His room was always a mess and quite possibly a health hazard. I remember one day, I decided to put my nagging behavior away and try something new. So I said something like this: “Kyle, if you clean your room today, I’ll let you have a friend come over and play.” Do you know what his answer was? He said, “I don’t want a friend that bad.” And the room didn’t get cleaned! What a surprise!

Bribing or rewarding to control also needs to be distinguished from spontaneous rewards. Can you feel the difference between these two scenarios? You want your partner to attend an office party with you that he or she does not want to attend. In your best attempt to bribe him or her, you seductively express what you might do when you come home from the party.

Compare that to, you ask your partner to attend the party. He or she agrees. You go and have a wonderful time, spontaneously enjoying some quality intimacy upon your return home. Do those circumstances feel different to you? I bet they would to your partner.

No one likes to be controlled no matter how subtly or skillfully the controlling is administered. External control is one thing human beings are almost guaranteed to rebel against.

The bottom line is that we often engage in destructive relationship patterns with those people we claim to love the most. We typically don’t use these destructive behaviors with our friends. If we were to try, we soon wouldn’t have any friends left!

When we think about our progress over the past 100 years in terms of technology and relationships, it is very clear that we have made great strides in the technological field and very minimal gains, if any, in our relationships with each other. Can you think of things we have available to us today that didn’t exist 100 years ago? Today we have cell phones, computers, satellite, televisions, DVDs, CDs, space travel, etc. The list is virtually endless.

One of the reasons we have made such huge gains in the technological field is because those who are working at making those advances are willing to try a new approach when their approach is no longer working. They adjust their behavior to fit the situation. This is simply common sense.

However, in the area of interpersonal relationships, would you say that people get along better today than they did a century ago? Do husbands get along better with their wives? Do parents get along better with their children? Do teachers get along better with their students? Do neighbors get along better today? Most would admit that there has been little, if any, improvement.

The reason for this lack of progress in the relationship department is that when our external control behaviors don’t work to get us the results we want, we take those same behaviors to the next level. We are convinced that they will work if only we do it more often, harder or faster. In other words, we get a bigger stick!

The reason this mentality has survived the ages is because we can usually crank up the pressure or find the one punishment or threat that will work to get us what we want. Did you hear me say external control doesn’t work? Of course it works! That’s why we use it. The question remains: At what cost?

When we consistently use external control behaviors in our relationships with those we love, what does it cost? It costs us the relationship. I’m not saying the relationship will necessarily end, although that is a definite possibility. What I am saying is that we keep whittling away at the foundation of our relationship and then wonder why there has been no relationship progress over the past 100 years or even longer.

There are alternatives. There are ways to simultaneously honor ourselves and our partners. The first step is to recognize when we are using external control behavior. We will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a caring habit instead.
However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step—bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

To learn about excluding external control from your life and implementing the caring habits in your relationships, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

n Your Brain, Or Cook Your Goose!

 by: Richard Vegas

One day while in deep meditation and self analysis, a paralyzed man discovered the most important person he would ever meet in his life. He saw very clearly that HE was a “mind with a body”. And, right then he made the most important decision he would ever make. Discover what it was.

Have you ever considered this, that probably one of the greatest advantages of the subconscious mind is it’s ability to be “trained” or programmed?

Yeah, I can hear somebody saying now, “my mind is as trained as that Aflac duck” and it sounds like it too quacking at me.. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ability to visualize your intended destination or goal.

Visualizing is just a form of imagery. Seeing pretty pictures in your mind. Everybody sees in pictures. We don’t think in words, we think in pictures. If I say to you the word “dog”, you didn’t think the letters “d-o-g”, you saw an image of that ugly mutt that you own. Don’t get mad at me now, I’m just kidding, he’s probably a pretty mutt. :>)

When you visualize what you want, this creates the tendency to get you on the right track and headed in the right direction. It gets you into action. Then your activities become fun and you are motivated to pay the price necessary to achieve your goals.

Yeah, but I’m special…..I’m already turbo charged!!

Yeah, you’re a turbo alright. Listen, No one gets their body into action without their mind first orchestrating it. You may be turbo charged until you come up against a brick wall then your mind better kick in gear, or your body will strip a cog. You know what a cog is, don’t you, turbo? he…he…

That’s what the paralyzed man discovered. By the end of this article, you’ll know what he did.

Opportunities Abound!

For you to think, study, and Plan. When you do, you’ll organize your time, money and the more you meditate the more enthusiastic you’ll become. The more enthusiastic you become, the more that enthusiasm turns into burning desire. That’s when good things start coming your way.

You then are alerted to opportunities in your everyday life as they present themselves. Because you visualized what you wanted through thinking, studying, and planning first, in your subconscious, you are much more likely to recognize good things when they show up.

Suddenly, Something Happened!

This is where it gets good. Ok, it’s time to find out what happened to our paralyzed friend. He was completely incapacitated late in life and barely able to move his body. He would have ended his life as a hopeless invalid if something hadn’t happened to him. It brought the kind of joy and happiness that only comes from achievement and financial success.

The whole process came about when he realized he could train his brain. Yes, he said my body is paralyzed. But, my mind is not. He could think, plan, and meditate. And, one day while meditating he met that most important person.

That most important person was the recognition that the subconscious does not recognize the difference between truth and lie. He discovered his subconscious sees everything as truth. Especially if it is his thoughts or beliefs.

If he believed he couldn’t, then that was truth. If he believed he could, then that was truth. And, his subconscious got his mind to organize what his family was able to do because his body was unable. And, he created a company that sold their products through every retail grocery store in America at the time when he was about to lose everything.

He decided to train his subconscious with images of prosperity and abundance. He said for awhile, it took all the mental focus he could muster. But, then one day his mind suddenly got the message and from then on only handed him back images of success and prosperity.

Whenever he thought of anything, it was uplifting and motivating. And it helped him to create a multi million dollar company with the help of his family lying flat on his back in bed.

The Key That Set Him Free, and YOU Too!!

He convinced his subconscious he was wealthy before he attained it. Too many people want to attain it before they believe it. It don’t work that way. You never will attain it if you don’t first believe you can.

Don’t tell me you can’t… I’ll…… ah, never mind. :>)

Nobody ever achieved Lion status believing he was a skunk. Nuff said. You were born a champion. All you need to do is train your brain, or in other words, renew your mind. And I’ve made it my personal goal to help everyone I can weekly through my newsletter to do that.

In fact, I think I’ll coin the phrase “train your brain”. That’s catchy. I like that.

Everything you think, every thought you have right now is a trained response to whatever circumstance you face. Yeah, you trained it, probably ignorantly. But the subconscious took it as truth because it doesn’t know the difference.

You said, “I’m a dummy” and the subconscious said, yes, you are and made you feel like one. You said, “Ah..that’s just my dumb luck”, and the subconscious said, yes, it is, you poor thing, and made you feel like a skunk. Now, you say this, I feel good, I feel fine, I feel terrific, OUT LOUD, and your subconscious will say, yes you are and will make you feel like it. Because IT DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!

Now retrain your brain and your subconscious will help you to attain love, prosperity, success, fulfillment, happiness, and all that your heart desires.

Go ahead, go for it, I dare you.

Richard Vegas © 2002

About The Author

Richard Vegas is a popular recording artist and internet marketing professional. He invites you to subscribe to his FREE weekly ezine “Wing-Tips” Teaching The Success System That Never Fails, at: http://www.1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com

You may also hear and follow Richard’s music career at: http://www.richardvegas.com

webmaster@1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com