A Bad Move

 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers – Column for the week of April 7, 2003

My husband is a wonderful man, we are in our thirties, well-educated and fairly affluent. However, his mother has been a stumbling block in our relationship from the start.

While we dated, I thought I would surprise him on his birthday with dinner at a swanky restaurant and a movie. I dolled up in a black velvet dress, hair and make-up just right, and he was dressed up, too. Before leaving, he asked to stop off and check on his mother. She was in a sweat suit, knit cap, house dress and tennis shoes. She looked like a bag lady.

To make a long story short, she pitched a fit to go with us. I should have figured it out then, but I kept thinking things would change. They haven’t. She belittles me and is very demanding of my husband’s time. He sees her during his lunch hour, spends 45 minutes each night on the phone with her, and includes her in our weekend errands.

This gal could give a good shrink enough work to buy several Mercedes. Talking to her is out of the question. I could reason with a doorknob more effectively. To make matters worse, we are moving next door to his parent’s home and adopting our first child in a few months.

I feel myself becoming more distant from my husband. I’m thinking about throwing myself into my small business, becoming more involved in the community, and doing church activities to carve out a life for myself away from him and his mother.

Monique

Monique, you’re moving next door? Did you have a say in this? That can only give you more of what you didn’t want in the first place. If she is bad now, wait until your mother-in-law has her son’s child nearby.

Dealing with this woman is like a deep-sea fisherman playing a large fish. You need to keep a constant drag on the reel and never permit slack in the line. Without your husband’s help, it will be impossible.

It is time to tell your husband to choose between you and your child, and his mommy. In choosing you, he can have you and his mom–his mom within reason and you completely. In choosing his mom, that is all he will ever have because she does not want him to have anyone else.

Tamara

Bare Bones

My in-laws live 20 yards away. My mother-in-law is in our home every single day. Last Sunday while the children were away, my mother-in-law walked in the door, found my husband walking around nude, and they had a great laugh. She stayed for an hour drinking wine. She knew what she walked into because I told her why we sent the children out.

I begged my husband to move away three years ago. He said for the first time in his life his parents have finally accepted him, so how could he leave? As you can imagine, his parents managed to take away a huge trust fund his grandfather left him.

I support the family, and my mother-in-law says this is how it should be. She says, “The working class has always supported the aristocracy.” I am exhausted and feel fat and ugly, though I am not. I realize there is not much you can say other than think of yourself and your children, and get out.

Adeline

Adeline, in Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man and The Sea,” an old fisherman catches a huge fish and lashes it to the side of his skiff. As he sails home, sharks attack and tear off great chunks of flesh. He is powerless to prevent it. By the time he reaches port, there is nothing left of his great fish but the head, bill, and backbone.

Life with an emotionally dependent husband gives you only the skeleton of marriage without the substance of marriage.

Wayne

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

Jim, a 42-year old engineer was teaching his eight-year-old son how to fly a radio-controlled airplane. As the airplane was taking off, Jim instructed his son to push the control stick on the radio to the right. He did and the airplane turned to the right.

This was repeated several more times until the airplane turned full circle toward the son, ready to land. “Push the stick to the right,” said Jim. This time, however, the plane turned left. “Push the stick left,” Jim said. Now the plane turned right, as if it suddenly had a mind of its own.

“I’m confused,” said the son. “How do I know which way to push the stick when the plane behaves differently depending on if it’s flying away from me or toward me?”

“It’s simple,” said Jim. “Simply imagine you’re in the plane and push the stick accordingly.” This cured the problem.

What a great lesson in empathy – the ability to experience the world from another perspective, often the perspective of another person.

As an anonymous English author wrote: “To empathize is to see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, and to feel with the heart of another.”

Why is empathy important? The real world bottom line is that lack of empathy leads to poor communication and a failing to understand others. Lack of empathy leads to all sorts of problems in our world. Nations go to war, people are killed, couples divorce – all for a lack of empathy and understanding.

It is natural to become angry when frustrated or irritated with people who do or say things at variance with our worldview.

To manage anger, it often helps to see our anger as a combination of their behavior and our lack of empathy. While we cannot control other’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors, we most certainly can increase our empathy skills.

To control our anger with increased empathy, three basic skills are required: listening, self-awareness and acceptance.

Empathic listening is a type of listening that goes further than ordinary listening. This type of listening uses another person’s point of view to see the world as others see it. It provides a higher level of understanding of how others feel.

Self-awareness occurs as you better understand your own thoughts and feelings. You are then better able to understand the thoughts and feelings of someone else. The more open we are to our own feelings, the more skilled we become at reading someone else’s feelings, and generally the less angry we feel toward them.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is the ability to see that others have a right to their “ridiculous” feelings. We must allow people to have feelings without telling them how they should feel. W cannot stop others from having feelings.

Empathic people understand that feelings are difficult to control. When we accept others as they are, it simply means that we understand that they are doing the best they can at the time. Remember, if they could do any better, they probably would.

Acceptance of others’ feelings is not easy when people act differently than we do. We all have difficulty with those who are different. By learning the skill of empathy, we will be better able to understand ourselves and others.

Here are five simple rules to be more empathetic.

1.Pay attention to the feelings that others express. Watch for both verbal and nonverbal clues. Try to understand the message behind the words and actions.

2.Place the feelings of other’s ahead of your own. Put aside your own needs and ideas long enough to listen to another’s point of view.

3.Communicate your understanding. Respond or give answers to the messages you receive to show you understand them.

4.Do not interrupt. Let speakers finish what they are saying before you talk.

5.Ask for more information. If you still don’t understand, ask more questions until you fully understand.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

“…I know that the only source of happiness is within me, and I will begin to share it. Like a perfume, I know that I cannot pour it on others without getting a few drops on myself.”
- Og Mandino, “The Choice”
“You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time.”
- John Knox

The childhood chant “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is a lie.

Do you remember every time you fell from your bike as a child? How about every time you have hit your knee or elbow working around your house? Most people forget these incidents as soon as the physical pain subsides.

Do you remember some nickname that you hated as a child? Did your parents or teachers ever tell you something that made you feel inferior or weak? Do you remember any negative comments you have received on job performance reviews? If you are like most people, you remember these negative words long after the moment has passed.

Now consider the positive words you have received. Maybe, like me, they came from your family as a child. Maybe they came from a favorite teacher, coach, or mentor. Think for a moment about the impact these words have had on your life.

Positive or negative, words leave a mark. The mark is not on the surface where you can see it, but there is a mark.

Here’s a story to illustrate my point. As a child, my parents and I lived in North Carolina. Both sets of my grandparents lived in Texas. We visited Texas about twice a year. During these visits, we often split our time between the two families. I loved both dearly, but I always wanted to spend more time with one than with the other. Both sets loved me. Both treated me well. Both would do nearly anything for me. But there was one big difference. One grandmother called me “precious, angel, baby child” and “my wonderful, precious angel”. The other called me Guy. Which do you think was my favorite? You can probably guess where I wanted to spend my time.

I loved both of my grandmothers, but one became a greater influence on my life. Why? She constantly spoke words of encouragement to me and everyone else she met for that matter. In fact, she still does to this day. She always tells me how wonderful I am, how much she loves me, and how proud she is of me. As an adult, I still look forward to speaking with her.

When my grandfather passed away, I spoke at his funeral. I did the best I could to pay tribute to one of the greatest men I have ever personally known. About six months later, my grandmother called again to tell me how wonderful my comments were and how smart and wise I am. I don’t really believe that I am the smartest person on the planet, but it sure feels good to have someone tell you that. After we spoke, I felt like a million bucks and believed that I could accomplish anything.

Would you like to have that influence on people? Would you like to inspire the people around you to work harder and accomplish more? You do hold that power. You have it when you use positive words – words of encouragement and praise. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, “Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he already were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be.”

Next to example, words are probably the most powerful tools leaders use. Words communicate your hopes, your dreams, your vision, your message, and your heart. Words show other people how you see them. As a leader, your words make a difference. Your words will either build-up or tear down, encourage or discourage, inspire or deflate. The choice is up to you.

I encourage you to remember this simple tip and spread some perfume of happiness around as you . . . Choose to become an encourager.

Copyright 2005, Guy Harris

You may use this article for electronic distribution if you will include all contact information with live links back to the author. Notification of use is not required, but I would appreciate it. Please contact the author prior to use in printed media.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

A Look In The Mirror

 by: Selena Richardson

That’s all it takes to change the world. Take a long hard look in the mirror and really notice who you are.

We’re all screaming for peace right now – not just world peace – but peace in our cities, in our workplaces, in our homes and in our minds. There has to be a better way to end this madness.

We need a new way of doing things. Yet we seem to be stuck in outdated modes of thought that have not been working. For if they did, we wouldn’t be in the predicaments we are in now. The past will keep repeating itself until we make a conscious choice to go in a new direction.

Going in a new direction begins inside of you, of me, and of us as individuals. Until we change as individuals, only then can the world change.

One of my favorite quotes is from Mahatma Gandhi – ‘You must be the change you want to see in the world.’ So to have world peace we have to look in the mirror. Take a look and try to find the peace you’re searching for in your heart.

If you can’t find it ask yourself why. It’s not missing – it’s been there with you all along waiting for you to begin your search within. Peace isn’t hard to find at all. You just have to dig from underneath all of the rubble – fear and anger. Once you push the fear and anger to the side peace will be in plain view.

When you find the peace in your heart you start to exude it. It becomes infectious. Joy soon follows and a sense of calm is not too far behind. All of this from one good look in the mirror. One hard look at who you really are. That’s all it takes to get the ball rolling.

And it’s easy to pass it on. Remind your loved ones to find their peace within. They’ll know it can be done because they would have seen the transformation in you. Be a walking example of peace and watch how it spreads.

When others come to you full of fear and anger remember the peace within yourself and gently remind them that no matter how bad it gets it will eventually work itself out for the best.

We get what we dwell upon so if we keep our thoughts based on fear and anger that’s what we’ll continue to get. Instead let’s focus on peace – peace within ourselves and let these thoughts multiply. Remember, be the change you want to see – so be peaceful within your heart and watch your world begin to mirror that.

About The Author

Selena Richardson believes in following your dreams and creating the life you want. To receive more articles like this and a free ebook, subscribe to Creative Possibilities by sending a blank email to mailto:subscribe@creationjourneys.com or visit the site: http://www.creationjourneys.com

selena@creationjourneys.com

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com