Empty Nest Syndrome

 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children were in school, was fulfilling to her. She was fortunate in having been able to schedule her time to be home when her children came home from school so she could take them to their various activities. Paula had been a loving and devoted mother and was very proud of her children. She had been looking forward to this time for herself and her husband, but now that it was here, Paula felt lost.

It’s not that she didn’t have things she loved to do. She was a talented and athletic woman and had many creative and physical activities that she enjoyed. She and her husband had a good relationship with a wide circle of friends they often spent social time with. So, why this emptiness?

Paula sought my help when she realized that she was slipping into depression.

“I just can’t figure out what’s wrong,” she stated in our first session together. “My marriage is fine, my work is fine, I have lots of friends and activities I enjoy. I don’t understand why I’m feeling so unhappy.”

I asked Paula to tune inside to the unhappy part of her and let this part of her speak. “Imagine that the unhappy part of you is a child within. There is some very good reason this inner child is feeling so unhappy, and you need to ask her. Start out with asking her how she feels about you as the inner parent.”

Paula asked and was quite surprised at the answer. “You never want to know how I feel,” her inner child complained. “You always wanted to know how the children felt, and you were always there for their feelings, but not for mine. You spend your time in ways you think make us happy, but you never ask me about it. While the kids were growing up, you were able to ignore my sadness, but you can’t ignore me anymore. I’m here, and I need you to pay attention to me.”

“I don’t get this,” said Paula, “What does this unhappy part of me want me to do?”

“Ask her,” I stated.

Paula asked and the answer came. “Our work and all our activities are fine, but I need something deeper. I’ve been wanting you to open to something spiritual, but you haven’t listened to me.”

“I have tried going back to church, but that doesn’t seem to be doing it for me. This does seem to be some kind of spiritual emptiness, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

Paula had never taken the time to develop a personal relationship with God. While she believed in a Higher Power, it was something “out there”, not something she connected with and brought into her heart and soul. Her soul was missing the sense of deep connection and inner fullness that comes from having a personal relationship with a spirit source of love and guidance, as well as with her own inner feelings. While her children were filling this empty space, she didn’t deal with it, but now that they were gone, it was time to face the emptiness that had always been there but had been covered up with mothering.

I asked Paula to close her eyes and imagine a wise and loving spiritual being, perhaps her own highest self, perhaps a relative who had died that she loved, perhaps a religious figure she felt connected with, or an image of a teacher, mentor, or guardian angel. She was able to imagine an angelic Presence that made her feel very loved and safe.

“Now bring the love from this Presence into your heart and then down into the empty place within. Imagine that you are loving the child within in the same way you have loved your children, hearing your inner child’s feelings and needs in the same way you did with your children. If you also open to learning with this Presence about what is loving to your inner child, and then take the loving action for yourself, you will start to fill that emptiness within you. Are you willing to try this?”

Paula was very willing to learn to create the deeper connection with Self and with Spirit. She reported to me a few weeks later that she was no longer feeling depressed. Her “empty nest” was now being filled with her inner and spiritual connection.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

“Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.”
George Santayana

If someone had told me in my 20s I would attempt to start my own home
business at 50, I would have thought they had taken some really good
(bad?) drugs. If someone had told me in my 30s I would write
articles that would be read by hundreds of people, I would have asked
them how long they had been hearing voices. If someone had told me
in my 40s I would have a business that involved using a computer, I
would have laughed so hard I would need to excuse myself to change my
underwear.

Well, here I am…50 years old. I have started my own home business;
I have written articles that have been read by hundreds of people
(Okay…I KNOW my husband, best friend and mother-in-law have read
them); and my home business involves the computer.

I say this with absolutely no conceit. I say this with wonder and
amazement. This actually is ME living this life. I’ve dreamed of
owning my own business for years; I’ve dreamed of writing and being
published for years. I’m STILL dreaming of learning how to stop
crashing the computer.

I don’t regret not doing any of this at a younger age. I fully
appreciate what is happening to me more at the age of 50 because I
know what a struggle it has been. I’m more humble about my “success”
because I have an attitude of gratitude. I look at what I’ve
accomplished with the astonishment of a 3-year-old.

When I turned 50, I realized that the road before me was shorter than
the road behind me. There was something about turning 50 that made
me come to the realization that I didn’t have as much time to do the
things I’ve always wanted to do.

I’ve had dreadful visions of being 80, sitting in a rocking chair on
a front porch, reflecting back upon all the “Wish-Idas.” “Wish I’d
done this; wish I’d done that.” At 50, my fear of the”Wish-Idas”
became stronger than my Fear of Failure, my Fear of Humiliation and
my Fear of Being Technically Inept.

These are not things you think about in your 20s or 30s. That is the
time in your life when you tend to feel that your future is spread
out in front of you. It’s as though you are standing on a spot on
the East Coast and you see clearly in front of you the road that
leads to the West Coast. At 50, you are somewhere in Kansas (close to
the Colorado border) and now the road in front of you doesn’t seem so
long.

In your 20s and 30s, you have the luxury of saying, “I can always do
that later.” At 50, your “laters” are NOW.

This is not meant to be a depressing article on getting older.
Turning 50 was not depressing for me. Turning 50 revitalized me. It
gave me the confidence to feel I could tackle those things I’ve
always wanted to do. If I didn’t succeed at something the first time
and I sincerely wanted it, I would keep trying and keep trying. If
it wasn’t meant to be, so be it; at least I gave it 100%.

The point of this article is this: Try ANYTHING that you sincerely
and passionately want to do. You have nothing to lose. Feel that
you’re too old? How old is “too old?” “Too old” is any age YOU
decide it is. If you decide there is no such age, then the world
will stand aside to let you pass.

I am slowly shortening my list of “Wish-Idas.” More and more I’m
thinking when I look back on my life, I’ll be saying, “I’ve had a
full life following my passions. Successes and failures, but at
least I tried.”

Never place limits on yourself. Don’t let it be YOU sitting in a
rocking chair on a front porch, regretting the “Wish-Idas.”

“Do not aspire to immortality, but exhaust the limits of the
possible.” Pindar

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Do you feel less than you’d like to? Less happy, less confident,
less “everything” than others? Sometimes your head seems just
above the water even though the rope you’re holding is tight in
your hands. Perhaps you’re holding on when you should be letting
go.

Letting go can be one of the most difficult things we ever have
to do. It can also be one of the most liberating. Opening your
hand to let the butterfly fly away – that jewel-like creature we
wish we could hold forever – means its cycle of life can
continue, uninterrupted. The reward? Jewels returned to us
tenfold year after year as we walk through a garden.

Some of my darkest times involve holding on to things. Past
mistakes which I refused to let fade from the “Open” file in my
memory. The job I chose to leave behind in which I could have
achieved so much more. The child who stayed in my body for just a
few months before dying. People who have hurt me and people I’ve
hurt. So many things. I have discovered, however, that letting go
of just one thing at a time can bring peace and healing.

Now, letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. We can’t forget the
wrong decisions we’ve made in our lives, the loss of a loved one,
ending of relationships as well as the myriad of emotions
attached to each – and we shouldn’t. What we can do, however,
is let them go. Release them from the forefront of our mind where
we constantly call on them and, instead, set them free to nestle
into a soft, sleepy recess in our heart. Always there to be
reflected upon when needed, their essences entwined with our
being and gently helping to create who we are.

We are all products of our past – good or bad – but we should
never be victims of it. Regret, repent, grieve, learn from and
then…let go.

Remember the rope, held tight in your hands? Instead of being the
only thing keeping your head above water, it may be the thing
keeping ONLY your head above water. Is it holding you up or
dragging you down? Let go of it and float on your back for a
while. Close your eyes and drift with the gentle tide as it
carries you onto the beach, safe and well.

Let go.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility

 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

• Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.
• Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.
• Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.
• Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.
• Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do – that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.

When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com