7 Ways to Defang Difficult People

 by: Tom Russell

Difficult people are on the hunt for a quarrel. It’s not personal, usually. It’s just that you happen to be the most convenient target.

Difficult people are insecure. They want YOU think and live like THEY think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if you are tense and unhappy.

What can you do to instantly neutralize their negativity? You cannot stop them from being difficult and demanding. Heaven help you if you try! But you can control your own reactions through the amazing power of NowFacts.

What are NowFacts?

Simple, healthy and truthful principles you voice to yourself silently, in the present moment. Speech is powerful! It is your connecting point back to your calm and intelligent center. Speech instantly reminds you of the wisdom and power you already possess.

Here are 7 NowFacts you can use when difficult people are on the prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:

1. I am not an actor who must obey your script.

The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that you get stressful and frustrated. Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim! When you employ this NowFact you inform yourself that you have the power of choice. You are never compelled to go along with their script. A silent refusal to take the bait sends a very powerful signal to the difficult person. They get it!

2. I just cannot afford you any more.

This NowFact reminds you that some relationships carry much too high a price. You have to let go. There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot afford the relationship any more. It cost too much. You have to move on because you know it is best for YOU and for the other person.

3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful.

Here is how you can heal your perceptions. This NowFact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength. Work with this NowFact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom and self-command. You’ll never again cringe before an angry person.

4. You don’t know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from you.

Personal growth widens the gap between both your own inner negativities and those of others. You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed in it, you’re above it now. You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an immature adult. With NowFacts, your life is in your power!

5. I will not injure you by doing your work.

Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. They ARE difficult precisely because they have refused self-responsibility. We harm adults when we do things for them they must do for themselves. This NowFact is compassion in action. Truth is never clouded by sentimentality, which is nothing more than cruelty in disguise.

6. I sense a lot of violence in your gloom.

This NowFact is in the same category as number 3 above, “I see your rage as childish, not forceful.” It is called “reframing.” Reframing teaches us to see things through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective method for self-renewal.

Difficult people are often gloomy. How often have we tried to cheer one of them up and been bitten? It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. But we have to be wise! Hardened and dedicated difficult people want your cheerful words, not to pick themselves up, but to pull you down with them! Sense the violence behind their mask of gloom and you empower yourself.

7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone.

A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It’s what THEY want, not what YOU want. With this NowFact you can stay in your own clear skies.

If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what can they do about it? The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative ropes they toss. Anger, guilt, frustration — all these negative ropes fall to the ground, unclaimed by you, once you learn to leave the problem with the person who has it.

Conclusion

Remember, these NowFacts are voiced silently within yourself, unless you know you are alone. They help you ignite self- understanding you already possess but have temporarily forgotten. Difficult people seem to have power only when YOUR True Power is temporarily dormant. Wake it up!

Nothing is more beneficial than standing up for what you know to be true. Don’t let the world and its drowsy people tell you what is true for you. Tell yourself! Passivity in the face of falseness is the underlying cause of the world’s problems. With NowFacts you reclaim your life with its inherent happiness, intelligence and humor. Nothing is more fun!

About The Author

Tom Russell is the author of Several eBooks, including “The Power of Vertical Thinking” and “Seven Secrets to Light Up Your Essence.” He is the host of http://www.SuperWisdom.com and the editor of the SuperWisdom E-zine, read biweekly by more than 20,000 people in 42 countries. He assists professional salespeople and entrepreneurs to live with greater energy, focus and spiritual insight. He has been interviewed on more than 200 radio and TV talk shows.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

If you’re one of the many who find it difficult to assert themselves the following might be of assistance. Remember, you don’t exist on this planet to be someone’s doormat.

1. Don’t avoid expressing your negative or critical feelings. They are not bad or improper, they are just your feelings and you are entitled to them.

2. Feelings aren’t facts. They are just feelings.

3. Use “I” Language to indicate that the feelings you are expressing are yours. You are not accusing or judging anyone.

4. You don’t have to justify your feelings, you only need to state them.

5. Assertive behaviour discloses your wants, needs ,preferences and opinions. Aggressive behaviour discounts, ignores and over-rides the wants, needs, preferences and opinions of others.

6. Assertive behaviour supports your own dignity, while aggressive behaviour demeans the dignity of others.

7. Toxic people usually put others down when relating to them , with a look of distain, a sarcastic remark or direct verbal bullying.

8. You must have the courage to be assertive.

This is a excerpt from Mike Moore’s manual DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE For more information send a blank email to talk@followingup.com

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Best Way to Pick Up a Girl

 by: Paul Kyriazi

You see her across the room. Ah, so attractive. But nobody to introduce her to you. ‘Ah, I’ll do a James Bond on her,’ you think. Now what was Bond’s first words to Pussy Galore? ‘I must be dreaming.’ No, that won’t work. How about singing ‘Underneath the Mango Tree’ to her as Bond did to Honey Rider in ‘Dr. No’. Ah? No! Well, what’s left? You’ll just have to go up and talk to her, if it’s a situation where you won’t see her again. But it’s always safe to assume that she has a boyfriend that can squeeze the stuffings out of a gold ball. That aside, take a chance and make polite conversation. What’s the worst that can happen. She says, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not available.’ and you save the time and money of a date with her. Like George Burns says, ‘When a beautiful woman says ‘no’ to me, it’s a relief.

If you know that you will see her again, like at your university, your job, or working at a restaurant, you can have another shot at her and use the shy man’s approach to getting a date.

‘You farm boys don’t make a pitch, you just shy your way into position,’ Ann Margaret says to Pat Boone in ‘State Fair’.

Okay, here it is. Instead of asking her to dinner or out on a date which has romance intended, get some tickets to a concert or event first, and then with tickets in hand say, ‘I just happened to have tickets to this event. If you’d like to go with me, I’d be happy to take you.’ This way the subject is the event. Talk about the person singing at the concert, instead of if the two of you could hit it off or not. She can easily say yes or no, or ask more questions about you or the time and place of the event. She doesn’t have the pressure of turning you down, so she can just turn the event down and that will be that. And if by chance she can’t make that date, but is interested in you, she can start talking about going out another time.

I’ve strongly suggested this ‘ticket’ technique to both men and women who are infatuated with someone at work, or at shop, or restaurant, and have no idea how to make an approach. If the person is available, they usually say yes to an invitation. After all, it’s just going to an event. It’s not really a date.

I used this ‘ticket’ technique in college to ask out a beautiful stranger. I was very shy, but was ‘in love’ from a distance so I had to take some kind of scary attraction. Her name was Cindy and I often saw her in the student lounge surrounded by guys. It took weeks of watching her before I could catch her walking alone, and ask her if she’d like to go see the reserved seat Cinerama showing of ‘Grand Prix’. She said, ‘Well, I don’t know you, but if you come and talk to me sometimes and I get to know you, then maybe.’

So in the next days I made an attempts at getting in a few words with her as she talked with her friends. Then I found out she was taking the film appreciation class that I had taken a semester earlier. So I pushed the teacher to show my new 16mm action film in the class that she was in. He fiqured I had a secret motive because he said he’d show it in the morning class, but I said it had to be shown in the afternoon class (the one Cindy was in). Finally, he agreed.

I not only directed the film, but had a part in it where I used my newly learned karate and hoped she would be impressed. The film went over great with the class cheering and applauding. As she was leaving the class I said to her, ‘Well, do you know me well enough now?’ She said, ‘To go out with you? I replied, ‘Yes.’ She smilled and nodded her head yes. So don’t ‘ask her out’. Don’t ‘take her to dinner’. Get some tickets, and maybe she’ll answer you like Cameron Diaz does in ‘Charlie’s Angels’. ‘Tickets? I love tickets!’

About The Author

Paul Kyriazi – Live the James Bond Lifestyle

http://www.BondLife.com

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

One of the hardest things to handle in a
relationship is conflict. While a good
and fair fight can clear the air and
help you to feel closer to your lover,
many fights are just hurtful and
destructive. Fights that never go
anywhere, that are repeated year after
year, or that leave you feeling awful
about yourself are not going to help
your relationship. Those are the kinds
of fights we need to take another look
at, and find out what is going on
underneath. This is true for any
conflict that doesn’t feel right, not
just those you have with your lover.

With most fights, there are layers of
what we mean, feel, intend, hope for,
and believe, and what we actually say.
We may only say a little of how we feel,
or we may even say the opposite of how
we’re feeling on a much deeper level
than the surface. Problems arise when we
don’t come from the deeper levels.

Some people think that the top layer of
what they feel and think is all that
there is, yet they feel something’s
missing in their relationship. Others
know how they feel but instead of
stating their feelings as their own,
they blame how they feel on their lover,
leading to hurt feelings and arguing
that goes nowhere. This is often the
time that people call it quits on a
relationship.

Many break-ups occur because we do not
know how to get to our inner depth, or
getting to it, how to share it. What we
want to say isn’t what comes out of our
mouths. We argue about something
meaningless in order to get space from
our lover, rather than feel the anxiety
or fear we may have about setting
boundaries or looking at what we need.
We argue to feel more alive, instead of
looking at what is missing in our life.
We argue about what our lover spent
money on, rather than face our own
issues about money. We argue as a way to
control our lover, rather than face our
fear of being controlled.

Regardless of the content of the
argument, until we are prepared to
express and respect our lover’s deeper
feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and
s/he respects ours), very little change
can take place.

We can work around our lover’s
“sensitive points,” expect them to do
the same for us, and make compromises,
but how far does that really take us?
While problem-solving can help,
particularly in the immediate future,
often it isn’t enough for the long run.
As long as the deeper issues remain
unaddressed, our relationship will be
flattened, soured, or lost to
meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the
arguments? By being vulnerable and
risking being as open and as honest
about yourself as you can with your
lover. Take anything you argue about and
ask yourself what is upsetting you.
Usually people will respond with answers
that are about their lovers – s/he
spends too much money, s/he is
defensive, s/he doesn’t listen to me.
Now try asking yourself the following
questions:

*what about that bothers you?
*how do you feel about it?
*how do you react to it, and what does it
mean to you?
*what if anything are you afraid of?
*what do you believe it means about you or your relationship?
*does it remind you of anyone?

Try not to get bogged down in
intellectual answers. Even if you know
the answers, see if you can connect to
your feelings about it and notice
whether any other thoughts,feelings,
associations, or memories come to you
spontaneously. Sometimes the best stuff
just suddenly occurs to us.

Next, find an opportunity when you and
your lover aren’t rushed or distracted,
and share how you are feeling about the
issue. When mentioning something about
her/his behavior that affects you,
phrase it within your own experience
(“When I think that you are not
listening to me I feel…I then worry
that…it reminds me of…which feels…
to me).

Even when you want to mention something
that your lover does, focus on you and
your deeper responses. You may want to
ask for something specific (“Could we
set aside times to listen to each
other?”) which your lover can consider,
but initially it is usually best to have
you and your lover listen to and
understand each others’ deeper
responses.

You might be tempted to leap to a
solution, but this is only the
beginning. If you settle on a solution
too quickly, you could miss something
that still needs to be unearthed.

The listener’s job is to listen
attentively and to verbalize
understanding for the other’s feelings,
regardless of whether or not the
listener agrees with her/his lover’s
perception of the events. For example,
maybe you think that you’re the one
who’s always listening to your lover,
and it is s/he who doesn’t listen to
you. It’s okay that you do not agree
with her/his version of reality, but for
now, offer only your understanding of
how s/he feels and what it means to
her/him. It is important that you
suspend your difference of opinion and
only offer understanding.

When you’re finished with that, switch
roles. Feel free, as the one who just
listened, to say somethng like “When I
hear you say that, I feel…because I
believe that I do listen….This reminds
me of…and I feel…and I don’t know
what else to do. I feel that you don’t
listen to me. When this happens I
feel….” It’s important to not argue
about who does or doesn’t listen, or
what you each do, but rather, the
original speaker should now listen and
offer understanding for how it must
feel. Keep going back and forth and see
what happens. You may not notice
anything for a while, but you might. If
you don’t, try not to worry or rush the
process; something usually shifts over
time, especially if you keep going
deeper. You never know what you might
discover – it may be a completely
different issue than you originally
thought. Only by staying with your
deeper feelings and reactions will you
discover what is underneath the
arguments.

By each of you truly understanding the
others’ perspective without judgement,
you’ll be able to move through this
barrier in your relationship. Stick
with the formula, even if it feels
unnatural, and you may find that the
two of you are laughing about what
started the whole disagreement.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR