Heart disease is one of the leading killers in America. You probably know that lowering cholesterol and blood pressure can reduce cardiac risk factors. But did you know that the risk of dying within six months of a heart attack are four times greater for people who are depressed and lonely?

?Love wasn?t put in your heart to stay. Love isn?t love until you give it away.? – Michael W. SmithHeart disease is one of the leading killers in America. You probably know that lowering cholesterol and blood pressure can reduce cardiac risk factors. But did you know that the risk of dying within six months of a heart attack are four times greater for people who are depressed and lonely?Valentine?s Day 2006 marked the 25th anniversary of my father?s death. When people ask how he died at such an early age (he was 47), I usually say that he died of a broken heart. I attribute my father?s heart disease to the high stress he was under, as well an unwillingness to honor his own needs for self-care. (His diet was terrible and he did not exercise much.) In addition, my parents had just divorced and my father was very lonely.
It?s ironic that my father died of a heart attack on February 14 — the day that we plaster hearts all over everything as a way to recognize those we love. His parting gift to me and my siblings was a homemade valentine ? a hand-written note scrawled on the back of a used envelope found at his hospital bedside in the Intensive Care Unit. Apparently he sensed that his hours were numbered, and in his heavily-medicated state, he was able to leave us with his final wishes that we experience love, joy, and peace.
Dr. Dean Ornish, a Clinical Professor of Medicine at UCSF and author of the book, Love and Survival, tells us that ?medicine today focuses primarily on drugs and surgery, genes and germs, microbes and molecules. Yet love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives but also our survival. Study after study finds that people who feel lonely are many times more likely to get cardiovascular disease than those who have a strong sense of connection and community.?
Lonely people are also much more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, taking refuge in food, drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. They have nobody else to live for. But even those who eat right, exercise, and avoid smoking and other risk factors, are at greater risk for premature death. There?s a lot that medical experts don?t completely understand, although several recent studies have found that the protective effects of love have a profound effect on heart health. Understanding the connection between how we live and how long we live can help us to make better choices.
Ornish suggests that ?instead of viewing the time we spend with friends and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships are among the most powerful determinants of our well-being and survival. We are hard-wired to help each other. Science is documenting the healing values of love, intimacy, community, compassion, forgiveness, altruism and service ? values that are part of almost all spiritual traditions as well as many secular ones.?
Last November in my article, Connecting With Each Other, I shared how lonely and isolated I had become due to several life events that converged at the same time. I received some very heartfelt responses from a number of subscribers to this ezine. Several subscribers ? people I?ve never met or even spoken with ? offered support. I was deeply touched by the caring and concern that was represented in the responses I received.
I am amazed at how little effort it takes to motivate, uplift, and make a difference in my own life and in the lives of others by the simple gesture of sending or receiving a note of appreciation or encouragement. And in doing so, I feel more connected.
We all want to be acknowledged for our contributions in this world ? to know that our lives matter in some way — and we all want to be treated with respect ? at home and at work.
A Gallup Poll conducted in 2004 reported that 65% of Americans received NO praise or recognition in the workplace in 2003. The US Department of Labor reports that the number one reason people leave organizations is that they don?t feel appreciated. Their contributions are not acknowledged. Gallup?s study of nearly 5 million employees reveals that increasing the recognition and praise in an organization can lead to lower turnover, higher customer loyalty and satisfaction scores, and increases in overall productivity.
When was the last time you shared expressions of appreciation and admiration with those you work and live with? Here are a few ideas of ways you can reach out:
- Pick up the phone and call ? thank someone for a good deed, or just express how much you appreciate them. – Send a hand-written note. It does not need to be long. It?s the thought that counts. – Invite someone out to a ?just because? lunch. – Compliment someone for something you appreciate about them. – Do something you know they would appreciate, without being asked to do it.
Where are relationships on your list of priorities? Rediscovering the wisdom of love and compassion may help us survive at a time when our hurting world so badly needs it.

 

 

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Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. When our needs and wants are met and fulfilled, we feel good. Although this kind of approach to relationships is common, it iusually brings disappointment.In order to base our lives and relationships on a solid foundation we need to understand the crucial difference between happiness and joy. This article points this out and offers specific steps to take in living the difference.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope that this person is the right one, that we aren?t repeating mistakes of the past, and that finally we will receive the love, support, companionship and admiration we have been waiting for. Each person has a shopping list of hopes and expectations, secret demands he/she is making of their partner and of relationship. When those are fulfilled, and continue being fulfilled, they are then willing to say that they have found a good relationship and they are happy Although this is kind of approach to relationships is normal and common, it usually brings disappointment. It fails to take into account some very crucial truths about our human nature, and what we really need to find on-going contentment and joy.

To begin, happiness is always fleeting. It comes and goes. It has to. Happiness depends upon circumstances. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want we feel cared for and understood. These moments are lovely – we cherish them in memory. The only wrong with this kind of happiness is when we depend upon things going our way in order to feel good about ourselves and our relationships.

Joy is different. It doesn?t come and go. It doesn?t depend upon outer circumstances. When things are difficult, our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy arises from within. It is an attitude of mind that can be developed and nurtured. It represents growth from being a child, wanting to be taken care of and admired, to an adult, able to take responsibility for their lives. Joy is not reactive. It is a positive decision we have made about ourselves and the world we live in. It is our unique response to life, which has been carefully developed.

In order to find joy in our lives and our relationships, certain things have to be developed and others to be relinquished. A famous saying describes this beautifully, it says, ?When we are children we play with toys. When we grow up, we want the real thing.? The real thing is joy. In a sense joy is a practice. It is based upon actions taken, a way of being with oneself and others. There are steps we can practice daily. Joy is a decision we make each day. Here are some steps you can practice to find joy in your relationships.

l) Give Up Blaming The Other Person.

It is very easy to find things disappointing about the person you are in a relationship with. When we are upset, we attribute it to their behavior. This is putting our well being in another?s hands. It is one of the most significant ways we destroy our joy. It is also one of the most significant ways we undermine the other person. Realize that no one made you their judge and jury. Each person has the right to be who they are at this moment. If you are upset that is your response, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with them. Realize that you are creating your own unhappiness by blaming and disapproving of them. Give it up. Just observe their behavior. Get to know them. This does not mean you have to stay in the relationship but you have not been put on this earth to fix them. Say to yourself, they have a right to be who they are, and I have a right also. This is their life they are leading.

In fact, it is your own expectations which have disappointed you. When we do not put heavy expectations on the other, but are willing to discover who they are, blame dissolves more easily.

2) Learn The Art Of True Giving

There is a huge difference between really giving to another, and giving so you can get something back in return. Giving to get something back is nothing more than manipulation, and quickly kills our joy. Joy is based upon true giving. It is then impossible to be upset or sad. The giving itself is its own return. True giving means, giving with no strings attached. Giving something to the person that they need, not something that pleases you. Think of them, not yourself. Some fear to give, feeling that they will be drained or stripped bare. The opposite is true. The more we give, the more we have. We have a sense of fullness, out of which grows joy. There are many things that can be given besides physical objects ? give time, attention, acknowledgment, let the other be right about something. Become sensitive to what a person is really needing, so they can receive it easily.

Practice giving freely. Do it in little steps at first. Let the car behind you pass you, let the person go first at the check out counter. Give someone a hand with their bags, open the door for someone at a building. Practice being there for another. The more you do it, the more your joy will grow.

3) Learn How To Really Listen

There is no better way of giving to another than by really listening to them. Most of the time we listen, but do not hear what is being said. Listening involves getting out of your own thoughts and truly being there with the other. It means stopping the little voice inside that always comments, or thinks about what it is going to say next. It means becoming quiet and available. This is an enormous gift you are giving. In fact, to many, being really listened to feels like being loved. So, when you are listening to another, be aware of your own inner voice that wants to fight, to answer, to correct or comment. Allow that voice to subside. Place all your attention upon the other Give them the time and space to express all that is inside. You will be amazed at how the people around you will start opening up. You will also be amazed at how joyful your own life will become.

4)Stop Wanting To Change The Other Person

One of our biggest upsets is caused by our desire to fix or change the other person. One person feels they cannot love unless that person changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with them. So often we hear the phrase, if you loved me enough you would change. But true love is the ability to love the person as they are, (including the parts of them that may not please you). A person has not been put on earth to please you, or make you happy. They have been put here to grow, develop and discover who they are. The best way to help them change is through acceptance of who they are at this moment.(This does not mean supporting destructive behavior, it means allowing the person to go through what they have to and make changes for themselves.) The odd thing is that the less we push and disapprove of another, the more they are able to change themselves.

Basically it is necessary to realize that as we are, right now at this moment, we are lovable and acceptable. Now is the best time to give and receive acceptance. And, of course, the more love and acceptance we can offer, the more we experience joy. Cc/author/2006

 

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