by: Toni Raiten-D’Antonio

Holidays and the start of a new year inevitably make us think about how we can improve ourselves, and have the life we want in the future. We make resolutions – I must lose weight, I will save more money – and then lose our way. That’s because we aren’t matching our resolutions with who we are inside. We’re more likely to succeed if we work on discovering our inner, Real selves, appreciate who we already are, and then take a chance on custom-made changes, not one-size-fit all resolutions. Here are ten tips for making the new year better in a Real way.

1. Let your values be your guide — There are plenty of people who will tell you what should be important to you, if you let them. Friends, co-workers, family, even the mass media, bombard us with opinions and ideas. Don’t just accept what others say. Decide for yourself what matters most and let those values set your course.

2. Take a long-term view — Bad habits, difficult relationships, and other disappointments don’t develop overnight. Similarly, life doesn’t get better in a moment. Change happens slowly, step-by-step. Have the patience to see it through.

3. Let Go of the “Shoulds” — When you were a kid, you needed grown-ups to tell you what was right and wrong and what you should do in a given situation. As an adult you can make these choices for yourself. “Shoulds” produce resentment and anger. Instead, do what you know in your heart is right, and set your own standards.

4. Define Yourself as Beautiful — Fewer than five percent of us believe we are beautiful, but whenever I meet someone, I can see something beautiful in her right away. You may not fit the mass media image of conventional, external beauty, but there are things that make you attractive. Remember, beauty is an inside job.

5. Let Go of Being Perfect — As much as we hear that “nobody’s perfect” it’s awfully hard to believe. This is because what we constantly see in the media are air-brushed images of people who appear perfect and we come to believe it is a reasonable goal. When we fall short of perfect, then we feel like failures, just for being ourselves. This year, why not just forget that whole concept and replace it with “I don’t have to be perfect.” The truth is, the people who love you know that you have flaws and just don’t care. You don’t have to either…

6. Stop Competing — Life is not a game to be won or lost. It is more like a dance that never ends. People who make life a competition live in fear of losing. But if you understand that there’s no first prize and no finish line, only opportunities to grow and experience things, then that fear is replaced by appreciation and wonder. Try to think about growing rather than winning.

7. Try a Little Self-Empathy — We all hope to be kind and considerate when it comes to others. But have you ever made an effort to think about yourself in the same way? Most of us spend too much time judging ourselves harshly. It’s hard to be happy when you let that little voice inside you endlessly say mean and critical things.

8. Make Friends with Your Flaws — When you stop believing in perfection, it’s a lot easier to adopt a new view of those things people call flaws. In many cases, we can redefine these differences and understand them as gifts. What makes a mole a beauty mark? The answer is in your perspective. Why not adopt a perspective that honors all those things that make you different?

9. Listen to Your Body — Many of us lead lives that are so fast-paced and stressful that we push ourselves to the point of getting sick. In most cases, our bodies send us signals -fatigue, aches, hungers – when it’s time to slow down, rest and examine our emotions. We can avoid a lot of sick days if we pause to listen to our bodies and respond with gentle self-care.

10. Try New Things — In the end, the important things in life are found in relationships and experiences. We feel good when we connect with others and take on challenges that allow us to grow. If you have always wanted to feel closer to someone you know, take the risk. And if you have longed to try something new – in the arts, your work, sports, or anything else — give yourself permission to try. A little courage will bring you great rewards in the coming year.

About The Author

Toni Raiten-D’Antonio is a psychotherapist and author of The Velveteen Principles (Oct 2004), a Guide to Becoming Real. The Velveteen Principles offers advice on reclaiming joy, fulfillment and individuality drawing from the simple wisdom of the children’s classic The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. To Learn more, please visit http://www.velveteenprinciples.com.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

 by: Michael Levy

Many years ago, forty to be exact, I started my own business at the tender age of nineteen. The street markets in and around Manchester England was my happy hunting ground. Every day was an adventure and despite the weather and difficulties of getting a stall on the street market, life was always fun and enjoyable. There was always some comical incident, even when I had to stand in the pouring rain, with no customers in sight. And if there was no amusing event to focus on I created one and made other people laugh.

Within a few years my business progressed and I opened a wholesale textile company. I went on to become a very successful businessman not only making money in my original business, but also in commercial property and the stock market. I retired from the business world forty-six years of age.

After a six year, time-out period, so that I could understand why I was successful with no effort, I reinvented myself and became…… An author, poet, philosopher, motivational/inspirational/financial speaker, radio show host, director, producer and many other labels, within the past five years. How was all this achieved with not a mention of the word “work” in my vocabulary…..Well, you see, I just enjoy everything I am doing and if it is enjoyable, how can a class it as work?

When I read the headlines in the newspapers describing the corruption and scandals in large and small corporations I wonder why the executives had to lie and cheat to earn money? It is far easier and less risky to make money the honest way, so why do people do things the hard way and end up in disgrace?

• What makes some people believe they need a billion dollars to be happy?
• Why has greed become so fashionable?
• Why in many instances do we seem to treat our fellow human worse than a wild dog? Our animal instincts, although contained in a civilized package, can be savage and uncaring, especially in the business world. It has literally become Dog-eat-Dog.

In life there is always an easy way and a hard way to do everything so how about I share with you five principals of business that cannot fail.

As we climb the ladder of success there are many other folks on higher rungs who may try to kick us down. There are also those who have not got on the first rung yet who will try and pull us down. So how do we cope in a modern day world of hungry hounds eager to get their hands on as much money as possible any way they can?

Levy’s Five Principals for Prosperity

Principal Number One.

Enjoyment.

We should understand the world does not owe us a living. We will succeed or fail by the amount of Joy we have for the project we will call our work. The number one ingredient is enthusiasm and commitment for the job in hand. We have to understand that very few things will go in the direction we desire and the more we practice our skills, the luckier we will become. We manufacture our own luck and to recognizing opportunities is the key to success. Every viewpoint, in every business day, has to be explored. Never say no to anything until we have examined every possibility and outcome. Even if we find that it is not what we desire, we leave the door open for future development. If we are only interested in what we can get out of any action of the moment, we are doomed for failure.

Principal Number Two.

Giving

A key ingredient in a successful venture is giving rather than taking. In other words give the best and you will receive the best. If you do not have the ability to give the best, keep on trying different approaches until you can give the best. Whatever you give you will get back in abundance. There are those who have achieved money and status by devious means. They may have all the trappings of the luxury lifestyle, but they do not possess the clear mind to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Therefore, they are not a success to themselves. All the stresses and strains of cheating will one day manifest into an illness. You can mislead other people but you cannot lie to your immune system. So, it pays big dividends to give others a helping hand up the ladder of success.

Principal Number Three.

Overcome Adversity.

Enjoy the failures more than the successes. Understand there is no such thing as failure. Each lesson learnt, is a lesson gained. Just don’t keep making the same mistakes. Everything is a gain, gain situation. Negative people are our stepping stones to wealth. The more they tell us it can’t be done, the more energy they give us to get the job done successfully. Adversities are sent to test our resolve. Become a good hurdler and learn how to jump over them.

If we require an answer to a difficult problem we need to solve this is what we do. We ask any questions we need to solve, a few minutes before we go to sleep and then forget about it. We then go into a sound, deep sleep. The next morning on awakening we may get an idea from out-of-the-blue that solves the issue. If not that morning, then it may take more time to solve. Ask the question every night until the matter resolves itself.

Principal Number Four.

Debt free

It is far better to walk before we can run. We must not pile up too much debt. If we cannot afford something then we work a little harder and longer until we have the funds to expand. I know this is not the modern way of thinking and there are always exceptions to the rule, but being debt free sure makes for ‘Peaceful Sleep.’ Being ‘Under Pressure’ to pay bills is no way to live. Our purpose is to enjoy life and our labor must be a labor of love without demands.

Principal Number Five

Enjoy Endurance.

Remember the three P’s Patients Persistence, Perseverance. If we trust in our ‘True Self’ then we cannot fail. As long as we are enjoying our business activities in the same way as we enjoy our leisure, success is assured. If it takes a few years more than we thought to achieve our goal, then so much the better, because we have more time to gain extra experience…. It will allow for more time for you to exhibit to people that you are trustworthy and reliable. Integrity cannot be bought, therefore once you gain authentic credibility, everything else you do eases into its appropriate space. It will eventually mean other business people will regarded us as an expert in your field of proficiency. You have mastered time and space.

With the five principles for prosperity deposited into your memory banks you are ready to build new bridges. Networks with all the new and innovative companies in your field.

We are constantly entering new areas of Hi-Technology. Business today needs new innovation and leadership to succeed. This is year 2004 and new dimensions of thought are need for success. Therefore, it is more important then ever to project the five principles of prosperity.

You will also need to understand how to overcome and eliminate worry and anxiety. It is essential to find inner peace and harmony to relieve the burdens of stress.

By allow our minds the freedom of silence that transcends to higher dimensions, we will find infinite possibilities. Our potential for success is only limited by what we think we know. That type of limitation can cause great pressure, therefore we require an objective detachments from outside events we cannot control. What we can only execute what we are able to perform and what seems impossible at one moment, we can do at another appropriate moment.

When we open our imagination (image-maker), we open the doorway to success. Every human mind has a wormhole in the deepest section of the brain that can take the minds thoughts into what Einstein called the ‘Creative Mind of God.’ Einstein declared, he wanted to know what God is thinking, everything else is mere details….and so it is.

It is never too late in life to explore your minds links to creativity

Even when we retire from our occupation, we must never retire from life. The secret to retirement is to keep an active mind. I have a friend aged eighty-seven who still enjoys working as a realtor selling apartments. He tells me it makes him feel like a young pup. There are many hobbies we can enjoy and maybe they will make money? Regular exercise will keep us healthy and it also keeps the sex drive in gear. Aging signifies, life is still a joyride to an active mind.

Are you now ready to accept success?

Just one other point……It is important to note that we will never actual own anything. We only possess what we can take on our eternal journey. We are just renting space and time, so our success is not measured by our bank balance. We live in a materialistic world and to become truly prosperous we need to ascertain that, when we reverse our conditioned minds way of thinking, we find ……( in whatever form our image-creation observes creativity) A Universal spirit guiding us on an authentic life course. What a power-force to guide us and establish an easy way to follow to prosperity.

All rights reserved © Michael Levy 2004

About The Author

Michael Levy is the author of four books. The latest is “Invest With A Genius”

Michael’s poetry and essays now grace many web sites, Journals and Magazines. He is a renowned guest speaker on Finance, Wellness and Inspiration. He has appeared on TV in the USA and UK and hundreds of radio stations throughout the world. Please visit his website at http://www.pointoflife.com.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

 by: Carna Zacharias-Miller

Need more self-esteem? – I thought so.

Just about all of us would like to see some degree of improvement in the way we perceive ourselves. If only there was a magic pill that would make us feel bold, smart, rich, beautiful, and cute all at the same time. Yet, this priceless treasure called self-esteem seems to be elusive and volatile.

To make matters worse, everybody else seems to have it in abundance – so why can’t I just grab a big junk of it and hold on to it, at least until I have secured this great job/lover/win?

Well, there is a reason for this: self-esteem is not a single, solid “thing” one can chase down, obtain and possess. It is rather a fluid quality that evolves naturally, when the obstructions that keep it from expanding are dissolved. These obstructions could be: traumatic (childhood) memories, bad habits, fears/phobias, performance anxiety, or a poor body image. In other words, it is usually not a single negative event or circumstance that does the damage: It’s the long-lasting, underlying, often hidden issues that erode our self-worth, often without our awareness.

O.K., there really is no magic pill to get rid of all these problems in a very short time, but there is something that comes pretty close: It is called EFT, and it is designed to take on everything that stands in the way of high self-esteem.

So, what is EFT?

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), developed by Gary Craig, is an emotional form of acupressure. You tap with your fingertips to stimulate certain meridian energy points on your body while you are “tuned in” to your problem. The cause of every negative emotion lies in the disruption of the body’s energy system. EFT is usually rapid, long-lasting and gentle. No need for drugs or equipment. It is easily learned by anyone, children included.

Let’s say you had a father who told you that you were a failure and that you would never amount to anything. In this case, you could first tune into the pain and the anger surrounding this relationship and tap on these feelings. Most likely, memories will come up. Was there a specific situation when he put you down? What did you feel? Go through every memory and feeling. Often, the emotional intensity decreases immediately.

Another example: You have low self-esteem, because you are overweight. There are several approaches possible. Do you have any cravings? Tap on each and every one of them. Do you dislike your body? Tap on your specific feeling. Emotional pain? Get specific and tap on it.

Sometimes, especially with complex problems, it is more effective to do the tapping under the guidance of an EFT practitioner. However, any tapping on a specific issue and the pain, anger, or sadness that surrounds it, helps. Dissolve the negative emotions that control your life, and high self-esteem emerges – naturally.

About The Author

Carna Zacharias-Miller, EFT-CC, EFT-ADV, is a practitioner in Central Florida who uses Gary Craig’s original method. She offers live and telephone EFT sessions. To get more information, participate in a Forum, and to download the Basic EFT Tapping Sequence, visit her web site www.taptoheal.com

info@taptoheal.com

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

My next discovery/conclusion was that, if I’m ever to succeed
in accomplishing my income goals online (or off line, for that matter),
I need to first of all decide EXACTLY what I want out of life and
what kind of income I’m trying to establish to fulfill those dreams,
so that I can conjure up a concrete mental picture of it.

You know, there is a story in one of my very favorite books that I
mentioned a couple of issues back. (For those of you who missed
my list of favorite books and would like to have it, just visit the
archives at http://www.elfexpressionsezine.com)

In “Riches Within Your Reach,” Robert Collier tells about a certain
woman who had lost her job through no fault of her own. A widow,
she was the sole support of her three children and herself, and try as
she might, she’d found it impossible to obtain gainful employment.
She was nearing the end of her rope, her money was about to run out,
and the landlord was threatening eviction.

One day as she set out to look for a job, she happened to stop by a
magazine stand, and her eye was caught by a title about “treasure-mapping”
for success and supply. She was led to buy the magazine, but instead of
looking for work that day, she went home (something totally illogical,
which we’ll talk about another time) and devoured the entire magazine
—that attracting article in particular.

Then she dug out a bunch of old papers and set to work to put together
a treasure map—so many things came to her mind to put on it—first,
the little cottage at the edge of town, then the little dress shop she’d
always longed for, then a car—and in that cottage would be a piano
for the girls—and a yard in the back where she could grow flowers—
she worked all day and cut pictures and words and sentences out of
papers and magazines—all connected with the idea of success and
abundance.

She worked and worked on her treasure map, carefully placing in the
middle of it a picture of a little storeroom, underneath which she
pasted the words “Betty’s Style Shop” and pictures of fashionable clothing.
Throughout the treasure map she inserted little mottoes and sayings, all
carrying out the idea of success, abundance, happiness, and harmony, and
she was getting more excited all the while.

She pasted everything onto a large sheet of posterboard and began to
FEEL herself living in the cottage and working in the little dress shop.
She became completely enthralled with her project and tacked the poster
on the wall of her bedroom right in front of the bed, so that it was the
first thing she saw in the morning and the last thing at night.

She vividly SAW herself living her dream: she and the children
laughing and talking in the cottage, arranging the furniture and putting
up curtains; she’d PICTURE her daughters at the piano singing and
playing; she would SEE her son sitting in the little library with books
and papers all around him; she would SEE herself walking around her
shop as people came and went, buying her merchandise, paying her for
it, and leaving happy.

Bottom line, folks, she really GOT INTO IT!!!!

Gradually, she began to understand that the treasure map was but the
means of impressing upon her subconscious mind the pattern from
which to build the conditions of success and harmony into her life.

And she did something else—something most of us fail to do—she began
praising and thanking God that her dreams were ALREADY REALITY!
Whoa!

Stop right there, you say—isn’t this just living in some sort of fantasy world?

NO! Because that’s how faith and prayer work! Otherwise, where would
faith be? There would be no need for it. You have ABSOLUTELY GOT
TO BELIEVE that your dreams have already been accomplished in the
spiritual dimension. Then HOLD ONTO THAT BELIEF like a guy who’s
just slipped over the side of a cliff and has grabbed onto a tree root. Sure
it’s painful; sure it’s scary; sure there’s no VISIBLE help in sight. But would
you rather opt for the alternative? As long as you hold on, you still have hope!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 by: Tom Russell

Difficult people are on the hunt for a quarrel. It’s not personal, usually. It’s just that you happen to be the most convenient target.

Difficult people are insecure. They want YOU think and live like THEY think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if you are tense and unhappy.

What can you do to instantly neutralize their negativity? You cannot stop them from being difficult and demanding. Heaven help you if you try! But you can control your own reactions through the amazing power of NowFacts.

What are NowFacts?

Simple, healthy and truthful principles you voice to yourself silently, in the present moment. Speech is powerful! It is your connecting point back to your calm and intelligent center. Speech instantly reminds you of the wisdom and power you already possess.

Here are 7 NowFacts you can use when difficult people are on the prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:

1. I am not an actor who must obey your script.

The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that you get stressful and frustrated. Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim! When you employ this NowFact you inform yourself that you have the power of choice. You are never compelled to go along with their script. A silent refusal to take the bait sends a very powerful signal to the difficult person. They get it!

2. I just cannot afford you any more.

This NowFact reminds you that some relationships carry much too high a price. You have to let go. There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot afford the relationship any more. It cost too much. You have to move on because you know it is best for YOU and for the other person.

3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful.

Here is how you can heal your perceptions. This NowFact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength. Work with this NowFact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom and self-command. You’ll never again cringe before an angry person.

4. You don’t know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from you.

Personal growth widens the gap between both your own inner negativities and those of others. You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed in it, you’re above it now. You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an immature adult. With NowFacts, your life is in your power!

5. I will not injure you by doing your work.

Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. They ARE difficult precisely because they have refused self-responsibility. We harm adults when we do things for them they must do for themselves. This NowFact is compassion in action. Truth is never clouded by sentimentality, which is nothing more than cruelty in disguise.

6. I sense a lot of violence in your gloom.

This NowFact is in the same category as number 3 above, “I see your rage as childish, not forceful.” It is called “reframing.” Reframing teaches us to see things through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective method for self-renewal.

Difficult people are often gloomy. How often have we tried to cheer one of them up and been bitten? It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. But we have to be wise! Hardened and dedicated difficult people want your cheerful words, not to pick themselves up, but to pull you down with them! Sense the violence behind their mask of gloom and you empower yourself.

7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone.

A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It’s what THEY want, not what YOU want. With this NowFact you can stay in your own clear skies.

If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what can they do about it? The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative ropes they toss. Anger, guilt, frustration — all these negative ropes fall to the ground, unclaimed by you, once you learn to leave the problem with the person who has it.

Conclusion

Remember, these NowFacts are voiced silently within yourself, unless you know you are alone. They help you ignite self- understanding you already possess but have temporarily forgotten. Difficult people seem to have power only when YOUR True Power is temporarily dormant. Wake it up!

Nothing is more beneficial than standing up for what you know to be true. Don’t let the world and its drowsy people tell you what is true for you. Tell yourself! Passivity in the face of falseness is the underlying cause of the world’s problems. With NowFacts you reclaim your life with its inherent happiness, intelligence and humor. Nothing is more fun!

About The Author

Tom Russell is the author of Several eBooks, including “The Power of Vertical Thinking” and “Seven Secrets to Light Up Your Essence.” He is the host of http://www.SuperWisdom.com and the editor of the SuperWisdom E-zine, read biweekly by more than 20,000 people in 42 countries. He assists professional salespeople and entrepreneurs to live with greater energy, focus and spiritual insight. He has been interviewed on more than 200 radio and TV talk shows.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

1. Don’t avoid expressing your negative or critical feelings. They are not bad or improper, they are just your feelings and you are entitled to them.

2. Feelings aren’t facts. They are just feelings.

3. Use “I” Language to indicate that the feelings you are expressing are yours. You are not accusing or judging anyone.

4. You don’t have to justify your feelings, you only need to state them.

5. Assertive behaviour discloses your wants, needs ,preferences and opinions. Aggressive behaviour discounts, ignores and over-rides the wants, needs, preferences and opinions of others.

6. Assertive behaviour supports your own dignity, while aggressive behaviour demeans the dignity of others.

7. Toxic people usually put others down when relating to them , with a look of distain, a sarcastic remark or direct verbal bullying.

8. You must have the courage to be assertive.

This is a excerpt from Mike Moore’s manual DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE For more information send a blank email to talk@followingup.com

WE RECEIVE THE KIND OF TREATMENT WE TOLERATE.

Subscribe to Mike’s FREE newsletter LIFELINE at www.motivationalplus.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 by: Paul Kyriazi

You see her across the room. Ah, so attractive. But nobody to introduce her to you. ‘Ah, I’ll do a James Bond on her,’ you think. Now what was Bond’s first words to Pussy Galore? ‘I must be dreaming.’ No, that won’t work. How about singing ‘Underneath the Mango Tree’ to her as Bond did to Honey Rider in ‘Dr. No’. Ah? No! Well, what’s left? You’ll just have to go up and talk to her, if it’s a situation where you won’t see her again. But it’s always safe to assume that she has a boyfriend that can squeeze the stuffings out of a gold ball. That aside, take a chance and make polite conversation. What’s the worst that can happen. She says, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not available.’ and you save the time and money of a date with her. Like George Burns says, ‘When a beautiful woman says ‘no’ to me, it’s a relief.

If you know that you will see her again, like at your university, your job, or working at a restaurant, you can have another shot at her and use the shy man’s approach to getting a date.

‘You farm boys don’t make a pitch, you just shy your way into position,’ Ann Margaret says to Pat Boone in ‘State Fair’.

Okay, here it is. Instead of asking her to dinner or out on a date which has romance intended, get some tickets to a concert or event first, and then with tickets in hand say, ‘I just happened to have tickets to this event. If you’d like to go with me, I’d be happy to take you.’ This way the subject is the event. Talk about the person singing at the concert, instead of if the two of you could hit it off or not. She can easily say yes or no, or ask more questions about you or the time and place of the event. She doesn’t have the pressure of turning you down, so she can just turn the event down and that will be that. And if by chance she can’t make that date, but is interested in you, she can start talking about going out another time.

I’ve strongly suggested this ‘ticket’ technique to both men and women who are infatuated with someone at work, or at shop, or restaurant, and have no idea how to make an approach. If the person is available, they usually say yes to an invitation. After all, it’s just going to an event. It’s not really a date.

I used this ‘ticket’ technique in college to ask out a beautiful stranger. I was very shy, but was ‘in love’ from a distance so I had to take some kind of scary attraction. Her name was Cindy and I often saw her in the student lounge surrounded by guys. It took weeks of watching her before I could catch her walking alone, and ask her if she’d like to go see the reserved seat Cinerama showing of ‘Grand Prix’. She said, ‘Well, I don’t know you, but if you come and talk to me sometimes and I get to know you, then maybe.’

So in the next days I made an attempts at getting in a few words with her as she talked with her friends. Then I found out she was taking the film appreciation class that I had taken a semester earlier. So I pushed the teacher to show my new 16mm action film in the class that she was in. He fiqured I had a secret motive because he said he’d show it in the morning class, but I said it had to be shown in the afternoon class (the one Cindy was in). Finally, he agreed.

I not only directed the film, but had a part in it where I used my newly learned karate and hoped she would be impressed. The film went over great with the class cheering and applauding. As she was leaving the class I said to her, ‘Well, do you know me well enough now?’ She said, ‘To go out with you? I replied, ‘Yes.’ She smilled and nodded her head yes. So don’t ‘ask her out’. Don’t ‘take her to dinner’. Get some tickets, and maybe she’ll answer you like Cameron Diaz does in ‘Charlie’s Angels’. ‘Tickets? I love tickets!’

About The Author

Paul Kyriazi – Live the James Bond Lifestyle

http://www.BondLife.com

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

One of the hardest things to handle in a
relationship is conflict. While a good
and fair fight can clear the air and
help you to feel closer to your lover,
many fights are just hurtful and
destructive. Fights that never go
anywhere, that are repeated year after
year, or that leave you feeling awful
about yourself are not going to help
your relationship. Those are the kinds
of fights we need to take another look
at, and find out what is going on
underneath. This is true for any
conflict that doesn’t feel right, not
just those you have with your lover.

With most fights, there are layers of
what we mean, feel, intend, hope for,
and believe, and what we actually say.
We may only say a little of how we feel,
or we may even say the opposite of how
we’re feeling on a much deeper level
than the surface. Problems arise when we
don’t come from the deeper levels.

Some people think that the top layer of
what they feel and think is all that
there is, yet they feel something’s
missing in their relationship. Others
know how they feel but instead of
stating their feelings as their own,
they blame how they feel on their lover,
leading to hurt feelings and arguing
that goes nowhere. This is often the
time that people call it quits on a
relationship.

Many break-ups occur because we do not
know how to get to our inner depth, or
getting to it, how to share it. What we
want to say isn’t what comes out of our
mouths. We argue about something
meaningless in order to get space from
our lover, rather than feel the anxiety
or fear we may have about setting
boundaries or looking at what we need.
We argue to feel more alive, instead of
looking at what is missing in our life.
We argue about what our lover spent
money on, rather than face our own
issues about money. We argue as a way to
control our lover, rather than face our
fear of being controlled.

Regardless of the content of the
argument, until we are prepared to
express and respect our lover’s deeper
feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and
s/he respects ours), very little change
can take place.

We can work around our lover’s
“sensitive points,” expect them to do
the same for us, and make compromises,
but how far does that really take us?
While problem-solving can help,
particularly in the immediate future,
often it isn’t enough for the long run.
As long as the deeper issues remain
unaddressed, our relationship will be
flattened, soured, or lost to
meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the
arguments? By being vulnerable and
risking being as open and as honest
about yourself as you can with your
lover. Take anything you argue about and
ask yourself what is upsetting you.
Usually people will respond with answers
that are about their lovers – s/he
spends too much money, s/he is
defensive, s/he doesn’t listen to me.
Now try asking yourself the following
questions:

*what about that bothers you?
*how do you feel about it?
*how do you react to it, and what does it
mean to you?
*what if anything are you afraid of?
*what do you believe it means about you or your relationship?
*does it remind you of anyone?

Try not to get bogged down in
intellectual answers. Even if you know
the answers, see if you can connect to
your feelings about it and notice
whether any other thoughts,feelings,
associations, or memories come to you
spontaneously. Sometimes the best stuff
just suddenly occurs to us.

Next, find an opportunity when you and
your lover aren’t rushed or distracted,
and share how you are feeling about the
issue. When mentioning something about
her/his behavior that affects you,
phrase it within your own experience
(“When I think that you are not
listening to me I feel…I then worry
that…it reminds me of…which feels…
to me).

Even when you want to mention something
that your lover does, focus on you and
your deeper responses. You may want to
ask for something specific (“Could we
set aside times to listen to each
other?”) which your lover can consider,
but initially it is usually best to have
you and your lover listen to and
understand each others’ deeper
responses.

You might be tempted to leap to a
solution, but this is only the
beginning. If you settle on a solution
too quickly, you could miss something
that still needs to be unearthed.

The listener’s job is to listen
attentively and to verbalize
understanding for the other’s feelings,
regardless of whether or not the
listener agrees with her/his lover’s
perception of the events. For example,
maybe you think that you’re the one
who’s always listening to your lover,
and it is s/he who doesn’t listen to
you. It’s okay that you do not agree
with her/his version of reality, but for
now, offer only your understanding of
how s/he feels and what it means to
her/him. It is important that you
suspend your difference of opinion and
only offer understanding.

When you’re finished with that, switch
roles. Feel free, as the one who just
listened, to say somethng like “When I
hear you say that, I feel…because I
believe that I do listen….This reminds
me of…and I feel…and I don’t know
what else to do. I feel that you don’t
listen to me. When this happens I
feel….” It’s important to not argue
about who does or doesn’t listen, or
what you each do, but rather, the
original speaker should now listen and
offer understanding for how it must
feel. Keep going back and forth and see
what happens. You may not notice
anything for a while, but you might. If
you don’t, try not to worry or rush the
process; something usually shifts over
time, especially if you keep going
deeper. You never know what you might
discover – it may be a completely
different issue than you originally
thought. Only by staying with your
deeper feelings and reactions will you
discover what is underneath the
arguments.

By each of you truly understanding the
others’ perspective without judgement,
you’ll be able to move through this
barrier in your relationship. Stick
with the formula, even if it feels
unnatural, and you may find that the
two of you are laughing about what
started the whole disagreement.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 by: Patsi Krakoff

According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. A moment is defined as a few seconds in which our brain records an experience. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments.

There is no question that the memories of our lives are recorded in terms of positive and negative experiences. Now scientists propose that each day our brains—i.e., our thoughts and emotions—keep track of our positive and negative moments, and the resulting score contributes to our overall mood.

Our emotional tone or mood is defined by the number of positive versus negative moments experienced during the course of a day. This is not really news to those people who study emotional intelligence and how the brain works. Yet it has major implications for how we can improve the quality of our lives.

The Magic Ratio

Over the past decade, scientists have explored the impact of positive-to-negative interaction ratios in our work and personal life. They have found that this ratio can be used to predict—with remarkable accuracy—everything from workplace performance to divorce.

This work began with noted psychologist John Gottman’s exploration of positive-to-negative ratios in marriages. Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed ‘the magic ratio,’ he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy.

The Bucket and the Dipper

In a recent book How Full is Your Bucket, psychologists Donald O. Clifton and Tom Rath propose a metaphor of looking at positive and negative interactions during the day. Imagine we all have a bucket within us that needs to be filled with positive experiences, such as recognition or praise. When we’re negative toward others, we use a dipper to remove from their buckets and diminish their positive outlook. When we treat others in a positive manner, we fill not only their buckets but ours as well.

Here are 5 strategies from these authors for increasing your magic ratio of positive to negative moments in any given day:

· Prevent ‘Bucket Dipping.’ Increase your own awareness of how often your comments are negative. Work toward a ratio of five positive comments to every one negative comment.

· Shine a Light on What Is Right. Try focusing on what employees or peers do right rather than where they need improvement, and discover the power of reinforcing good behaviors.

· Make Best Friends. People with best friends at work have better safety records, receive higher customer satisfaction scores, and increase workplace productivity.

· Give Unexpectedly. A recent poll showed that the vast majority of people prefer gifts that are unexpected.

· Reverse the Golden Rule. Instead of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ you should ‘Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.’ Individualization is key when filling others’ buckets.

About The Author

Patsi Krakoff, Psy. D., CBC, is a psychologist, executive coach, and writer. She customizes newsletters for life and executive coaches, providing both content and PDF and HTML ezines for busy professionals. Patsi lives and works from Ajijic, Mexico where she plays tennis daily, and enjoys other creative activities with her husband Rob and two Maine Coon cats, Huey and Dewey.

Email mailto:Patsi@customizednewsletters.com

For more articles, subscribe to Newsletter Nuggets and BizBook Nuggets, at:

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(c)2001
Nourish- to feed or sustain with substances necessary for life or growth; to promote growth; to maintain or support; to nurture.

Soul- the immaterial essence, animating principle or actuating cause of an individual; the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all
rational and spiritual beings or the universe; a person’s total self.

The holistic health field abounds with articles and books all teaching a variety of ways to nurture our souls. What exactly does all this
mean and why is so important?

Our soul being the very essence of whom and what we are is our life force and therefore it needs food on a regular basis to sustain us
and prevent us from becoming stagnant and unfulfilled with life.

So what is nourishing to the soul? The things that make you feel whole, alive, and one with the universe (or God) is your soul food.
This will vary from individual to individual, as our souls are very unique and complex, although many of us have some commonalities.
Some common sources of soul food are nature, music, dancing, deep relationships, meditation, walking, prayer and many more.

My most important source of soul food is nature. Doing things like spending time by the lake, taking walks and country rides, admiring
the cloud formations, feeding and watching the birds, feeding a stray cat, gazing at the stars and moon is what is most nourishing me.
Nature is my lifeline. It rejuvenates me and helps me to go on. It makes me feel alive, full of life and connected to the universe. There
is nothing more nourishing to me than spending a day on a blanket by my favorite lake and being intimate with nature, especially on a
warm fall day when the leaves are bursting with color. Spending it with someone I love and engaging in deep conversation is even better.
Writing, reading, certain types of music and singing along, dancing, deep relationships and prayer also nurture me.

You can discover your soul food by listening to the yearnings of your soul, by being still and tuning into your deepest voice within. Your
soul will guide you to what it needs. Don’t ignore it and don’t put it off. Once you learn what you need, nourish it on a regular basis. If
we neglect our soul then it becomes hungry and searches for food in the wrong places, which is destructive to our lives and zaps us of
our life sustaining energy.

After years and years of neglect one becomes disconnected from their soul and gets lost. Our world is sadly full of people who neglect
their souls and the consequences of this are seen all around us in the level of addictions, violence, crime, depression, suicide, lack of
compassion and respect for one another, divorce and destruction of our planet exhibited in our society. Our culture has not been very
good at teaching us how to avoid this, perhaps because we were unaware for a long period of time, but slowly this is changing one by
one.

Don’t neglect your soul! Listen to it, nourish it, and feed it everyday. It is as important as feeding your hungry stomach. If you have
neglected your soul, it is never too late to start again. The soul has an amazing ability to recover and flourish in splendor once again.

This article may be FREELY copied, reproduced and redistributed to friends, discussion lists, websites, groups, etc., as long as the whole
article is used including my byline and links found here at the bottom.
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed., writer, educator, therapist/advisor/coach and Holistic Health Consultant Specializing in Life Management and Support for Living with
Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, and Disability as well as Sexuality and Sexual Intimacy. FREE Newsletter and FREE 30 minute Consultation.
http://www.holistichelp.net
http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul

ABOUT THE AUTHOR