The Magic Ratio of Positive and Negative Moments

 by: Patsi Krakoff

According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. A moment is defined as a few seconds in which our brain records an experience. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments.

There is no question that the memories of our lives are recorded in terms of positive and negative experiences. Now scientists propose that each day our brains—i.e., our thoughts and emotions—keep track of our positive and negative moments, and the resulting score contributes to our overall mood.

Our emotional tone or mood is defined by the number of positive versus negative moments experienced during the course of a day. This is not really news to those people who study emotional intelligence and how the brain works. Yet it has major implications for how we can improve the quality of our lives.

The Magic Ratio

Over the past decade, scientists have explored the impact of positive-to-negative interaction ratios in our work and personal life. They have found that this ratio can be used to predict—with remarkable accuracy—everything from workplace performance to divorce.

This work began with noted psychologist John Gottman’s exploration of positive-to-negative ratios in marriages. Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed ‘the magic ratio,’ he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy.

The Bucket and the Dipper

In a recent book How Full is Your Bucket, psychologists Donald O. Clifton and Tom Rath propose a metaphor of looking at positive and negative interactions during the day. Imagine we all have a bucket within us that needs to be filled with positive experiences, such as recognition or praise. When we’re negative toward others, we use a dipper to remove from their buckets and diminish their positive outlook. When we treat others in a positive manner, we fill not only their buckets but ours as well.

Here are 5 strategies from these authors for increasing your magic ratio of positive to negative moments in any given day:

· Prevent ‘Bucket Dipping.’ Increase your own awareness of how often your comments are negative. Work toward a ratio of five positive comments to every one negative comment.

· Shine a Light on What Is Right. Try focusing on what employees or peers do right rather than where they need improvement, and discover the power of reinforcing good behaviors.

· Make Best Friends. People with best friends at work have better safety records, receive higher customer satisfaction scores, and increase workplace productivity.

· Give Unexpectedly. A recent poll showed that the vast majority of people prefer gifts that are unexpected.

· Reverse the Golden Rule. Instead of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ you should ‘Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.’ Individualization is key when filling others’ buckets.

About The Author

Patsi Krakoff, Psy. D., CBC, is a psychologist, executive coach, and writer. She customizes newsletters for life and executive coaches, providing both content and PDF and HTML ezines for busy professionals. Patsi lives and works from Ajijic, Mexico where she plays tennis daily, and enjoys other creative activities with her husband Rob and two Maine Coon cats, Huey and Dewey.

Email mailto:Patsi@customizednewsletters.com

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(c)2001
Nourish- to feed or sustain with substances necessary for life or growth; to promote growth; to maintain or support; to nurture.

Soul- the immaterial essence, animating principle or actuating cause of an individual; the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all
rational and spiritual beings or the universe; a person’s total self.

The holistic health field abounds with articles and books all teaching a variety of ways to nurture our souls. What exactly does all this
mean and why is so important?

Our soul being the very essence of whom and what we are is our life force and therefore it needs food on a regular basis to sustain us
and prevent us from becoming stagnant and unfulfilled with life.

So what is nourishing to the soul? The things that make you feel whole, alive, and one with the universe (or God) is your soul food.
This will vary from individual to individual, as our souls are very unique and complex, although many of us have some commonalities.
Some common sources of soul food are nature, music, dancing, deep relationships, meditation, walking, prayer and many more.

My most important source of soul food is nature. Doing things like spending time by the lake, taking walks and country rides, admiring
the cloud formations, feeding and watching the birds, feeding a stray cat, gazing at the stars and moon is what is most nourishing me.
Nature is my lifeline. It rejuvenates me and helps me to go on. It makes me feel alive, full of life and connected to the universe. There
is nothing more nourishing to me than spending a day on a blanket by my favorite lake and being intimate with nature, especially on a
warm fall day when the leaves are bursting with color. Spending it with someone I love and engaging in deep conversation is even better.
Writing, reading, certain types of music and singing along, dancing, deep relationships and prayer also nurture me.

You can discover your soul food by listening to the yearnings of your soul, by being still and tuning into your deepest voice within. Your
soul will guide you to what it needs. Don’t ignore it and don’t put it off. Once you learn what you need, nourish it on a regular basis. If
we neglect our soul then it becomes hungry and searches for food in the wrong places, which is destructive to our lives and zaps us of
our life sustaining energy.

After years and years of neglect one becomes disconnected from their soul and gets lost. Our world is sadly full of people who neglect
their souls and the consequences of this are seen all around us in the level of addictions, violence, crime, depression, suicide, lack of
compassion and respect for one another, divorce and destruction of our planet exhibited in our society. Our culture has not been very
good at teaching us how to avoid this, perhaps because we were unaware for a long period of time, but slowly this is changing one by
one.

Don’t neglect your soul! Listen to it, nourish it, and feed it everyday. It is as important as feeding your hungry stomach. If you have
neglected your soul, it is never too late to start again. The soul has an amazing ability to recover and flourish in splendor once again.

This article may be FREELY copied, reproduced and redistributed to friends, discussion lists, websites, groups, etc., as long as the whole
article is used including my byline and links found here at the bottom.
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed., writer, educator, therapist/advisor/coach and Holistic Health Consultant Specializing in Life Management and Support for Living with
Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, and Disability as well as Sexuality and Sexual Intimacy. FREE Newsletter and FREE 30 minute Consultation.
http://www.holistichelp.net
http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ten Tips for a “Real” Holiday Season

 by: Toni Raiten-D’Antonio

Holidays and the start of a new year inevitably make us think about how we can improve ourselves, and have the life we want in the future. We make resolutions – I must lose weight, I will save more money – and then lose our way. That’s because we aren’t matching our resolutions with who we are inside. We’re more likely to succeed if we work on discovering our inner, Real selves, appreciate who we already are, and then take a chance on custom-made changes, not one-size-fit all resolutions. Here are ten tips for making the new year better in a Real way.

1. Let your values be your guide — There are plenty of people who will tell you what should be important to you, if you let them. Friends, co-workers, family, even the mass media, bombard us with opinions and ideas. Don’t just accept what others say. Decide for yourself what matters most and let those values set your course.

2. Take a long-term view — Bad habits, difficult relationships, and other disappointments don’t develop overnight. Similarly, life doesn’t get better in a moment. Change happens slowly, step-by-step. Have the patience to see it through.

3. Let Go of the “Shoulds” — When you were a kid, you needed grown-ups to tell you what was right and wrong and what you should do in a given situation. As an adult you can make these choices for yourself. “Shoulds” produce resentment and anger. Instead, do what you know in your heart is right, and set your own standards.

4. Define Yourself as Beautiful — Fewer than five percent of us believe we are beautiful, but whenever I meet someone, I can see something beautiful in her right away. You may not fit the mass media image of conventional, external beauty, but there are things that make you attractive. Remember, beauty is an inside job.

5. Let Go of Being Perfect — As much as we hear that “nobody’s perfect” it’s awfully hard to believe. This is because what we constantly see in the media are air-brushed images of people who appear perfect and we come to believe it is a reasonable goal. When we fall short of perfect, then we feel like failures, just for being ourselves. This year, why not just forget that whole concept and replace it with “I don’t have to be perfect.” The truth is, the people who love you know that you have flaws and just don’t care. You don’t have to either…

6. Stop Competing — Life is not a game to be won or lost. It is more like a dance that never ends. People who make life a competition live in fear of losing. But if you understand that there’s no first prize and no finish line, only opportunities to grow and experience things, then that fear is replaced by appreciation and wonder. Try to think about growing rather than winning.

7. Try a Little Self-Empathy — We all hope to be kind and considerate when it comes to others. But have you ever made an effort to think about yourself in the same way? Most of us spend too much time judging ourselves harshly. It’s hard to be happy when you let that little voice inside you endlessly say mean and critical things.

8. Make Friends with Your Flaws — When you stop believing in perfection, it’s a lot easier to adopt a new view of those things people call flaws. In many cases, we can redefine these differences and understand them as gifts. What makes a mole a beauty mark? The answer is in your perspective. Why not adopt a perspective that honors all those things that make you different?

9. Listen to Your Body — Many of us lead lives that are so fast-paced and stressful that we push ourselves to the point of getting sick. In most cases, our bodies send us signals -fatigue, aches, hungers – when it’s time to slow down, rest and examine our emotions. We can avoid a lot of sick days if we pause to listen to our bodies and respond with gentle self-care.

10. Try New Things — In the end, the important things in life are found in relationships and experiences. We feel good when we connect with others and take on challenges that allow us to grow. If you have always wanted to feel closer to someone you know, take the risk. And if you have longed to try something new – in the arts, your work, sports, or anything else — give yourself permission to try. A little courage will bring you great rewards in the coming year.

About The Author

Toni Raiten-D’Antonio is a psychotherapist and author of The Velveteen Principles (Oct 2004), a Guide to Becoming Real. The Velveteen Principles offers advice on reclaiming joy, fulfillment and individuality drawing from the simple wisdom of the children’s classic The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. To Learn more, please visit http://www.velveteenprinciples.com.

Source: High Quality Article Database – 365Articles.com

My next discovery/conclusion was that, if I’m ever to succeed
in accomplishing my income goals online (or off line, for that matter),
I need to first of all decide EXACTLY what I want out of life and
what kind of income I’m trying to establish to fulfill those dreams,
so that I can conjure up a concrete mental picture of it.

You know, there is a story in one of my very favorite books that I
mentioned a couple of issues back. (For those of you who missed
my list of favorite books and would like to have it, just visit the
archives at http://www.elfexpressionsezine.com)

In “Riches Within Your Reach,” Robert Collier tells about a certain
woman who had lost her job through no fault of her own. A widow,
she was the sole support of her three children and herself, and try as
she might, she’d found it impossible to obtain gainful employment.
She was nearing the end of her rope, her money was about to run out,
and the landlord was threatening eviction.

One day as she set out to look for a job, she happened to stop by a
magazine stand, and her eye was caught by a title about “treasure-mapping”
for success and supply. She was led to buy the magazine, but instead of
looking for work that day, she went home (something totally illogical,
which we’ll talk about another time) and devoured the entire magazine
—that attracting article in particular.

Then she dug out a bunch of old papers and set to work to put together
a treasure map—so many things came to her mind to put on it—first,
the little cottage at the edge of town, then the little dress shop she’d
always longed for, then a car—and in that cottage would be a piano
for the girls—and a yard in the back where she could grow flowers—
she worked all day and cut pictures and words and sentences out of
papers and magazines—all connected with the idea of success and
abundance.

She worked and worked on her treasure map, carefully placing in the
middle of it a picture of a little storeroom, underneath which she
pasted the words “Betty’s Style Shop” and pictures of fashionable clothing.
Throughout the treasure map she inserted little mottoes and sayings, all
carrying out the idea of success, abundance, happiness, and harmony, and
she was getting more excited all the while.

She pasted everything onto a large sheet of posterboard and began to
FEEL herself living in the cottage and working in the little dress shop.
She became completely enthralled with her project and tacked the poster
on the wall of her bedroom right in front of the bed, so that it was the
first thing she saw in the morning and the last thing at night.

She vividly SAW herself living her dream: she and the children
laughing and talking in the cottage, arranging the furniture and putting
up curtains; she’d PICTURE her daughters at the piano singing and
playing; she would SEE her son sitting in the little library with books
and papers all around him; she would SEE herself walking around her
shop as people came and went, buying her merchandise, paying her for
it, and leaving happy.

Bottom line, folks, she really GOT INTO IT!!!!

Gradually, she began to understand that the treasure map was but the
means of impressing upon her subconscious mind the pattern from
which to build the conditions of success and harmony into her life.

And she did something else—something most of us fail to do—she began
praising and thanking God that her dreams were ALREADY REALITY!
Whoa!

Stop right there, you say—isn’t this just living in some sort of fantasy world?

NO! Because that’s how faith and prayer work! Otherwise, where would
faith be? There would be no need for it. You have ABSOLUTELY GOT
TO BELIEVE that your dreams have already been accomplished in the
spiritual dimension. Then HOLD ONTO THAT BELIEF like a guy who’s
just slipped over the side of a cliff and has grabbed onto a tree root. Sure
it’s painful; sure it’s scary; sure there’s no VISIBLE help in sight. But would
you rather opt for the alternative? As long as you hold on, you still have hope!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR